STRESS LEVEL = 150%

Warning: Long entry

1. New working environment = I have to start everything from scracth.

2. Officially ING Insurance Agent

3. New Friend, new personality

4. Old Crush turned enemy

5. "I don't know ...

6. A Cuppa of beer

7. Stress level = 150%

IBM

I have high expectation on myself. Don't know since when I got such principal, I always been a simple, easy go happy gal

No idea since when I don't allow myself to be slow in learning. IBM definetely don't allow one to learn at its evening walking pace. My dear manager gave me 1 week of learning and I am on air already. I definetely is a slow coach in learning. I slack behind every one!!

It frustrated me even more when I can't catch up with two other new gals, whom came in 2 and 4 days after me. Eventually, my dear manager puts higher hope in me to teach them both. As long as I am a day older than the other two gals, means I am a senior and have the responsibility to make sure they learnt well.

To add it on, I don't seem to be able to control my emotion well enough.

ING

On the same week, I got a phone call from my mentor congratulating me that I have passed the Pre-contract exam. No doubt it suppose to be a double joy, joy for having my dream job come true, and also having to pass despite my old memory not cooperating memorizing those rules for the exam.

My mentor is kind enough to give me free classes of what and how to be an insurance. But what frustrated me was that my short attention spam is back. Less than half and hour, I am all bored out and to make things worsen (she is damn kind ok, she got no temper, full of patience in teaching me) is that, I hated myself for not able to absorb fast enough like the younger days. Where is my active cells??? Goshh !!

Following with every Friday meeting and Saturday classes really squeezed me a little. I realized I am not aggressive and these ppl want me to be aggresive. MY tolerance of being trying-hard-to-adapt went thin. I know i know... is for my own good. But why can't we be less cunning and be what God's child should be? It's really frustrating whenever I go against God's will.

Why can't I just like, humble down myself and observe and learnt? Where all this entities went to? ARGH!

Feminine

New colleagues are like what...99% gal? Seriously, I can't see a guy at my department at all. Among these gals, they are all 100% girlish gal whom knows how to make up, make themself outstanding among each other, and also backstabbing each other.

Why gals must be like this? Why gals are so sensitive? Can't they like, put their personal matter aside and learn from each other? This is so irritating, trying hard to please every one at the same time, trying to build a special bond between them.

Really, I give up. All these make me so pretendious gal, some thing that is not so Caren. What happened to the cheerful, innocent so pure Caren? It's scewing my brain upside down now that I have turned a more cunning, devilish and even a bitch ! So fucking bitchy that I can do anything for my own sake.

Old History

Ever did something stupid for the sake of getting the attention of crush?

I did. I did something so studid and unforgiveable to have the attention of my dear old crush. Yeah, I still have feelings for him. So what? Not like things will turn back like the old times.

No doubt we both had a period of strong feelings for each other. Things just turned sour for reasons.

No doubt it was good old buddies turned enemy now. That hurt. Really hurt deep down. You know who u are, if u are reading this, just answer me one last q...why did u do that? why? Am I all so bad?

Deep down, I do know you won't be reading this either. Even if u did, you won't want to answer me. You don't like question, u like innitiative. Sorry, I am a gal full of questions. To be satisfied mentally, emotionally and by heartedly. And yes, I understand why we cant' be together either. Given a chance, I want to patch back again. Not the relationship, but the priceless friendship.

Thank you for being there once for me. Thank you for coming in my life too. Because of you, I learnt. I learnt how to be more defensive, how to love myself more, how to care for others endlessly, and even how to be more more independent than my already strong character.

Will you give me a chance to re-patch back this friendship? Just like you, I treasure the friendship more than anything else. Yes, it's disturbing to know that one of my friend is going distance away from me.. esp that friend is you...

"I don't know

Familliar huh?

That's what my specialist told me. He don't know what's the cause of the pain that's right lower abdomen. He even don't know what is it that's still creating the pain. I told him, I not only feel the pain, but can feel the pinch of it too every now and then.

He only gave me one advice "I don't know what's the cause of it. Imaging scans don't seems all so negative either. Most likely you are thinking too much, it's all about phycology"

EXCUSE ME DOCTOR? DO YOU THINK THAT IT's FUN TO BE HOSPITALIZED AND GO THROUGH SERIES OF TESTS IF I AM NOT FEELING THE PAIN?

Mind you dear doctor, I am feeling the pain RIGHT NOW too. I don't know how to explain this to you. Whatever it is, I am ready for God's calling. The pain gets worsen esp when I am having my period, and at night before bed. dunno la.

Alcohol

As I am looking at a half bottle chivas infront of me, my tears flows down uncontrolably.

Each time I saw ppl smoking & drinking, I can't help myself nor stop my memories... I miss you the late David. You are such a suave guy. Why do all good guys have to leave, and left bad guys to mess with the gals? Given a chance, I want to slap u twice for being such a hardcore drinking. How's heaven up there? Do watch over us ok? Love ya David.

I do have soft spot ok! Especially for family, friends and relatives.

Just imagine how hard to start all over again to get to know one person. Just as you knows that person... they left you....

Oh Lord, forgive me for not obeying you, forgive me for being a sinner. Please guide me through.. with the lamp on the feet, the light that shone on the dark road...guide us through Lord, bless us with wisdom to be able to differ what's right and what's wrong. I believe, You will make a way when there is no way. All way You made are for reasons. I pray, bless me with strength.. so that I could be more like you. Bless those people aroud me, be it here on the earth to serve You.. or those that's already by Your side.. Amen...

Up up up!

With all the tremendous stress I got through...our fuel price is up again! It's such a headache. One thing follow the other will be up again ... I am feeling the financial strained, killing me silently. I have been supporting my family since I started work,but my pay was never enough for my brothers' education.

Now that thigns are hiking up again, I guess I will need to skip a lot of entertainments. That means no more CB, no more movies, no more clubbings, no more car sight seeing, no more pasar malams...

Trance freak, this is for you

DJ Tiesto - http://www.7aste.com/pitparty/index.asp

I wanted to go badly. Again, with the ticket fee, i could have make a few more meals for my family. Happy clubbing...Please let me know what's the environment there ok? I dread to join u guys!!

Agrrhh.. so stress...sigh...

I can't sleep. I have been thinking too much.

I can't say that I am over-stressed.

I could only say I haven't master the skill on handling my emotion the better way.

Thanks for taking time to read.